Vanity Metrics

And this morning we was flying over the ocean, and the engine failed, and we crashed, and I saved all the ladies, and the dog in the cargo hold, then I fought the sharks and well all got home in time for dinner.

I only just learned this term from Getting to Plan B, and as someone who works with startups I am loving it.

When the CEO of startup says “I spoke to 50 people this morning”, I am wondering if they mean they were talking to themselves while catching a bus.

When hearing about all the sales calls a company is receiving from amazing clients I am preparing to ask how many have followed through to step 2.

When I hear about the amazing internationally reputable investors interested in the business I look at the amateur business plan and the lack of prototype product I know the investor isn’t opening their wallet anytime soon.

When I hear about the strategic approach they are taking to marketing and all the big companies they are talking too I am thinking that it is often amazing how many sales and opportunities are due to sheer luck, and that as a startup you cling on to your first potential major sale like a limpet on a rock.

When I hear about the amazing functionality coming in a product that will answer all my needs I am thinking that they need to deliver the core product first. I will discount anything that doesn’t exist yet, unless the founders impress me with their flexibility, determination and resilience.

Successful people and companies use metrics that count – like website visits converted to sales, total sales per month, average sales per customer, gross margin per employee, etc.

I like all entrepreneurs and recognise the potential business genius in even the most unlikely packages. A bit of bluster and self-deception goes with the territory, but if you are in a working relationship with me I am going to take a baseball bat to all your vanity metrics (in private of course.)

Or as they used to say, bullshit others but never believe your own bullshit. Yes, I am talking to you.